It was disheartening to think

Why he would allow us sink

I used to wonder what kind of love this is

A love he professes as his

That he keeps blocking my ears with

I didn’t understand his seeming pretense

I felt he was always ready to sentence

Like a lamb whose will has been taken…or at least I thought I did

That kind of following you don’t understand but you seem to have no choice

“If you miss heaven, you can make hell”, then I would increase my pace

It was a heaven at last for me men!

I would go for revival meetings and come back hot and burning

But just give me a few days and I’m back steps behind where I started

I categorized myself as a struggling Christian whose end of struggles was not in sight

I found myself envying Christian that were doing well in the lord

Those that can put the world on hold and be separate

Those that can blast in tongues for hours at a stretch

Pray at midnight and even more in church

Give all their cash as seed, quote and misquote his deeds

I lost sight of my self

I inferred

This God…isn’t nice at all

He just wants to fiddle with me, roast me in hell and enjoy whatever savor there is

Yea, what would you have me say?

I wasn’t near the kind of perfection he wants

And it was all glaring that I couldn’t ever be

I guess we are familiar with statement that he doesn’t take less than 100 percent

Even 99.99 percent is totally unacceptable

Even if I were to be locked up in a tower without interaction,

Sin will still form my actions

Funny but I did it

I got up one day with a resolve to get this all through

So I said “God please forgive me all my sins, those done knowingly and unknowingly

Consciously and unconsciously…”

(Some of us may be familiar with the rhymes)

…and then, then I prayed to die so I could sneak into heaven but he didn’t take me

Probably he thinks that’s too nice a time

He’s waiting to catch me red handed on some evil and then gladly he will pounce on me

I even remember telling him that I will be glad to be left at the gate

I would be glad to stand at the gate and usher for all eternity

The mansions the bible talked about was too much luxury

My face wore gloom

‘Cause I was headed for doom

Have you ever had the experience of waiting for a punishment?

It’s even more punishment right?

That was how ‘waiting’ for the coming of Christ was

Even as a Christian, Jesus is coming soon was my worst statement ever

I dreaded it with every hair on my body

It reminded me of punishment and not home going

I was haunted so much so that when I hear a big trailer horn blast

I would think the big day has come

It was frustrating guys

My attendance began to drop in church

Yea, what was the need to keep in touch?

Brethren concluded and judged me

And I didn’t bloody care what they say about me

Now, here is the good news

While all this was happening

God was beside me devising

Now, not devising a way to save me…he already did that

But devising a way for me to see it and know how much he loves me

My eyes had been blinded by the devil

He made me see God as evil

While he is the hidden enemy that has been defeated by God for me

Think about it, did God need to defeat the devil to prove that he is supreme?

He is God all by himself and the devil is eternally under his shelf

He just defeated him in my place

So that I could enjoy my space

The truth is

God in his holiness and greatness could not be associated with iniquity

He cannot relax his laws because they are based upon his nature

But because he loves me,

He set a motion a beautiful plan to salvage our relationship when it denatured

I even found out that if everyone in the world was righteous and I be the only sinner

He would still die for me

Remember,

Amidst the casting crowns of the 24 elders

The singing and bowing down of the angels in their orders

He excuses himself from them every evening

To have fellowship with man

And please keep in mind that he didn’t need us for a living

He just made us to express a love that is constant with no changing

Even when man fell short of his standards by disobeying

He didn’t give up he had a plan in his sovereignty

He didn’t have to lower his standards…he has integrity

But consistent with his laws, Jesus had to die to bear the brunt for all that will believe

And he did it once and for all

I just have to believe and rest in this finished work and become one with him

God is helplessly in love with me-I discovered

And even my inconsistencies doesn’t change any of it

I have been brought into this place of highest privilege

My veil of ignorance has been removed by this knowledge

Now I have come to see God as a loving father

A father whose heart beats for me

Whose love I shall never fully comprehend in my little mind

My life just started

It started when I saw his love

From now onwards I look forward to becoming all that God wants me to be

I have learnt to see myself the way he sees me

And really how does he see me?

Blameless, guiltless, lovable, adorable, humorous, beautiful, perfect and even more

No guilt in life…I have been liberated

No fear in death… it has been defeated

I promise to keep sharing

More experiences of his love as I open my heart to receive them

And I pray that you experience more of this love for yourselves.

I am HIS RUTH.

By Ruth Ogbuabor