CHRONICLES OF A DROWNING MIND

Dead zone
Broken soul
Scary shadows
Those are rhythms of a poor old kid
Whose ways never pleased anyone, not even herself.

No hope
Buried grace
Weak for the race
Those are top list words recorded in the word billboard of her mind
She used to be of the royal line
But now goodness turned to lime
She sees God’s intentions as the least
Her faith so rusty and loosen like an abandoned screw
There she becomes a beast that feast with the devil.

Records of heart failures
Impotent to believe the best inside
Drenched with the thoughts of discovery
Draining in the memory lane of no understanding
Tears from the sole of the heart dripping down like flood yet none sees these flood of questions buried in tears

Travelling alone in travail… I weep in smiles…
Because in my green days have I grown grey because am yet to discover the me in me

In silenced smiles I’m drown in fears because my mind has become aged in thoughts

Hold my weeping mind
Embrace my tears in warmth,
Caress me with words of rescue
Carry me in the wings of warmth understanding
For I drown in silence

Oh…save me from this destiny device
For I transit into the groove of eternity
My powerhouse drowns
I plead for restoration if that exist
I seek for redemption for this battle is beyond me

Nonye
The Alchemist
© 2019

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False-Truth

I’m not good enough,
Daddy is taking Ada out for the third time because she aced her exams and I did not,
It’s the 4th time I’m being dumped for the better one who happens to bear my second name,
Yes! I took the pain to please my team and they chose David instead to take the lead,
Right now, I can’t look my wife in the face because I was not strong enough to rescue our only son before the car exploded in my face,
It’s 5 of 5 times I gave my opinion only to be overlooked by Tunde my coworker,
Who later brushed it up at the board meeting and was given a cool offer,
I even bet my life savings on the victory of my soccer club and the other club won,
And now I remember that it was momma who never believed a word a say because of the lie I told when I was two,

So, before I take my baby steps to death,
let me tell you that life has left me bullied by these thoughts and actions and betrayals and my pride with many rejections,
I even resulted to alcoholism but.. wait,
My religion abhors it so I’m formerly depressed,
These are the few I can tell,
I don’t want to tingle your ears,
And so far, all gesture given to me have been a clue for my escape away from this wicked world,

This was my life until I met one who told me I was made for so much more,
“Though the world’s pressure be heavy on me?”
But one sure word,
“Though I have been tagged as a sore looser and my dreams are dying”
But one true word,
“Though the stem of a tree be cut off and it’s roots wither but with the scent of water…
..That tree will grow again”

So before you pull the trigger to your brain,
Or drink that mixture,
Or have a last look at the beautiful skies as you sink in to the deep,
Or tie that rope to your neck,
Or write your last letter,
Give me the chance to rescue the hero in you,
Let me a minute to whisper to you that you are the one the skies have been waiting for,
Allow me to give you this scent of hope that there’s one who believes in your breath,
Your scent, your accent, your color, your posture, your smiles,

I mean your tears a so treasured so much that every drop sends a signal to the one who created you,
Truly you’re the apple of his eyes,
And these misdeeds are remodeling you into a masterpiece,
Your past do not define your future,
You are equal and more to that problem you’re facing,
You’re the champion waiting to happen,
So don’t give up, hang in there!
And just before another ‘false truth’ comes knocking at your mind’s door,
Accommodate this one truth,
“You are good enough!”

Azubuike Hannah
© 2018

SUICIDE

I’ve written lots of things and deleted it,
I’m short of letters, talkless about words,
I’ve crumpled the pages of my notebooks,
written lots of doodles, smile at one minute,
And then cry at the next,
But now I’m just typing,

I smile at things that make me happy,
I frown at uncertainties,
Should I? Shouldn’t I? Can I? What if?
Questions…….
Afraid to take a decisive step,
I sit and sit,
Becoming a smiling mannequin,
For all and sundry,

I strive to make everyone smile,
All the time,
At the expense of my piece of mind,
Hey you, Be this……….
You there, Be that…….
Come on, I think you’re better this way……
On and on, they say,
Till my world spirals and gets sucked up in “voices”,

“Voices”,
Till I became dead to the VOICE,
Seriously, I can’t even hear HIM no more,
I’m at the end of the rope,
Teetering on the brink of sanity,
Toying with, no, relishing the thought of going over the edge,
Falling down, down, down and down,
Smiling at the very thought of it,
Dying,

Dying??
Why?
For whom?
To what end?
To punish who?
The voice said.
Myself, I reply.
Myself, for being a fool.
For hating myself.
For being a piece of dead leaf
Being tossed to and fro by the tumultuous wave.
For not loving myself., I answered,

And then what next, He asked?
That, I don’t have the answer to,
I’d be dead already,
Okay, you worthless piece,
Since that’s how you see yourself,
That’s what I’ll call you,
You were not put in the world to just breathe in its air,
Drink is water, eat it’s food, enjoy its holidays,
Spend its monies, and just give up like that,

You exist, you don’t just live,
Love yourself, not just others,
Don’t exchange peace of mind with piece of friends,
It ain’t worth it,
You are worth more,
Ah! So much more than rubies,
So much more than money,
Because of just one thing,
I love you!
So, get down from that cliff,
Sit down, breathe 3,2,1, there you are!
Stand up, dust your shoes,
The world is waiting for you!

Emenike Chinwendu

© 2018

Brave Heart

Bravery is not in a particular action or deed. Its  an attitude, a hearts disposition.

A child who grew up in a farm exposed to wild horses is not really brave because as an adult he comfortably tries to ride a wild horse. His history has ensured it’s familiar and less threatening to him.

Its the one who has never had such history, who finds the wild horse scary and threatening but still attempts to ride it, that’s the brave fellow, that’s the courageous fellow. Its obviously out of his comfort zone but he’s still trudging on.

Bravery requires an expedition outside your comfort zone, outside the familiar, this might be tasting a dish you’ve never tried before, giving a speech in public, trying a new look, meeting a stranger, enrolling in a new course, learning a new skill, investing in a business or riding a wild horse. Some men are not brave enough to help their wives out at home, some women are not brave enough to stop worrying about their kids, some others are not brave enough to stop a habit or even to start the right one.

I’ve met macho men too scared to give a speech, pretty ladies too timid to say their mind, folks crippled by excessive concern about what others would think. People who hate things they’ve never even tried, forgetting that some of life’s most exciting times are those moments when our hearts beat rapidly, our minds run freely, those anxious moments of uncertainty that birth new experiences. That’s what golden memories are made of.

So this weekend, go on and be brave, be courageous, go out of your comfort zone and stay there till it becomes your new comfort zone, then go out and repeat the cycle again and again.

Bravery is being comfortable with the uncomfortable or at least comfortable enough never to let it stop you. Courage is marching on in the midst of fears and doubt and its shown more in the little things of everyday life.

#ThinkWell

#RedefineYourCulture

(C) William Udousoro

Justified to Hurt

I lay down quietly in a boy’s only lodge as about 5 other young men spoke of love and ladies, one guy in particular told the heart wrenching story of how he loved a girl, so much and so truly and how she later left him simply because of another guy who had more money to offer, you could tell the hurt in his heart, he said he couldn’t get over her for months, he confessed there in the confines of us guys, that he truly loved with all his heart, and she broke it with all her might. Having been so wronged he explained how he could now without remorse play with any girls heart he could get his hands on, he knew the words, he knew the motions, he knew how to get in, get what he wanted and get out, without bathing an eyelash. In some mis-configured part of his brain he figured he was justified to hurt others as long he was pleased simply because he himself was once hurt.

Do you remember secondary school and particularly if you were in the boarding school? What was the number one reason SS3 students gave for acting cruelly to junior students? ‘Because they did it to me when I was a junior student!’, that was and still is the main plea by many, because as junior student some senior student took their foodstuffs they are now collecting foodstuffs from the entire student body!

It’s like the old an eye for an eye, but remember an eye for an eye sooner or later leaves everyone blind. There’s something in the average human’s subconscious that tends to do to others what have been done to them, that’s why the molester today was most likely abused as a child. It’s a vicious self-supporting cycle, running through generations and even ages.

It’s like the old an eye for an eye, but remember an eye for an eye sooner or later leaves everyone blind.

But yet the reverse is also the case; As a Jambito several years ago, I went to the newly established Federal university, Oye-Ekiti to write the screening exam required to gain entrance. I entered pari passu the setting sun, with little money, no friends and no contact, I had no place to stay and the stories of bandits who prowled at night did not in any way comfort me. Not too sure what to do I went out of the school compound and sighting some young men close by I went up to one of them and simply asked who I could meet for some sort of accommodation, he told me to follow him, he walked me into a room in a joint condo of sorts, pointed a bed and told me to stay there. To cut the short story shorter, I along with few other stranded Jambito’s ended up becoming buddies for the next 3 days of our stay all at no charge, no cost and no hidden agenda. I asked him later on why his magnanimity to us strangers, he answered simply ‘he was once a Jambito and someone took him in!’.

You see, cruelty of many ages can end in one generation, if the last person to contract Aids was the last person to spread it, HIV/ADIS would be only found in the history books in just one generation. You see you have a choice, you’re not just a biological psychological creature who’s actions and reactions are cast in stone based on the hand life deals you. You can let the hurt you suffered snare you into hurting others or you can break out of the mold like so many others have and change the culture that tried to change you from something beautiful to a shadow of your true self. We’re never justified to hurt because we were hurt, no matter the form, it’s a warped way of thinking that leaves everyone bleeding. You can break out of it, you can start a new cycle, you can set the new patterns for your children and your children’s children and the world at large. We have enough bad news to go around twice, we have enough victims who victimize and troubled people who trouble people. Let the pain motivate you to make a difference, not to even the score on people who were never in the picture in the first place.

We’re never justified to hurt because we were hurt

It was Jesus who brought the radical idea of loving your enemies and even praying for them, imagine; praying for the thief who stole from you, loving the idiot who swerved at 130km/hr in front of you on the highway while making a call, forgiving that guy who used you and dumped you. I admit, these are noble ideals too high for the vast majority of us, maybe that’s why Jesus offers to walk with us as we walk through the hurt, and he will, that is, if we let him.

It may not be popular, you may feel out of place, you may be called a fool, but the freedom from the hurt is in repaying it with love. And truly as it has been said; it’s love that makes the world go round.

…the freedom from the hurt is in repaying it with love

Udousoro William (2018)