Defense – Christ a poet

A decision is not glamorous
It is not about the raised chest of the champion as he declares his conquering conquests to an adoring crowd

It is a lot more than that with a lot less glamour
For a decision reduces a man to nothing more than his resolve
To stand

To stand when falling is convenient
To stand when running makes more sense
To stand even though he lacks the strength

A decision is both a man’s greatest defense as much as it is his greatest flaw for when life comes at him and strips him of all he once had

When life takes the glories in the alluring arms of yesterday
When life sails the praises of men to the next big sensation
When life takes one last bow as it exits in that fateful breath
May that man find I pray, a grateful appreciation that his resolve birthed the life he desired and his decision though tried and tested remained true

– Ezeonyeka Godswill
(c) 2021

There is a numbness in my head
A searing pain that threatens to strip me of my sanity
And blur my senses of whatever hold on life they have left
So much that my hands cannot thump my chest
Cannot allow me to say it is alright and that I have help within
Groaning out to remind me of who I am and why there’s life in me, but I scream

The numb becomes a pain that only allows me see the trauma
And bitterness and anger I carried for so long
That I could not forgive myself because of
And has now taken control of who I am
The numb has spread to my fingers
I cannot touch my face, to feel the life that lives in me
Cannot feel the warmth on my skin
The blood that flows through my veins

I stagger backwards and I feel a panic rising in my chest
Up to my windpipe threatening to come out through my mouth and when it does
I gasp for air, for a breath
I steady myself by a wall and with wide eyes I take deep breaths
Swallowing as much as I can force down then the tears come
Willingly, patiently, next they become sobs, loud
Choking sobs and in that moment I feel the life seep out of me
Slowly, without a fight and my legs, weak, throb
Throb so bad I can no longer stand so I slide down while hugging myself

It is not going to be alright
It won’t be alright until I see the help right within me
Silently saying ‘it’s okay’ all the while I was fighting with myself
Telling me to stop and allow him fight because my defenses are down
With the numbness and pain
But I could not see it because I took my eyes off him and focused on me
My pain, my panic, my hurt and so it’s not going to be alright
Until I stop fighting alone